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RENKU: linked collaborative verses: TRIPARSHVA 5

Updated: Jun 15, 2022

Sabaki (lead poet) - Linda Papanicolaou


TRIPARSHVA RENKU - Post 5

SABAKI: L I N D A P A P A N I C O L A O U



POST 5

14th JUNE 2022

By my count we had 15 authors submit offers for verse 4; at 2 offers per person, that’s 30 candidates—Wow! I am seeing one problem, which I expected given that there are many among us who are new to Renku. I do remember when I was first starting Renku that it seemed to be very difficult to come up with a verse that fit the season required, because I simply had not worked with a sajiki enough to have internalized it. Considering that we are juggling the original saijiki and our specific Subcontinent saijiki, it’s a lot to keep in mind. But it does get easier with time and experience. It’s hard to work out if something is not an established season word because you’re looking for evidence of something that is not.


My suggestion is that when you have an idea or a draft of a verse, scan through these resources to check that none of your keywords are there. These are the two you should check first:


Renku Home, ”The 500 Essential Japanese Season Words“(http://www.2hweb.net/haikai/renku/index.html).

The Yuki Teikei Haiku Society’s season word list(https://yths.org/season-word-list/).

If you really want to do a deep dive, go to the World Kigo Database (https://worldkigodatabase.blogspot.com/), though it is difficult to search.

And of course, the Subcontinent Saijiki here on Triveni (https://www.trivenihaikai.in/indian-saijiki).


Please understand that If you miss spotting a season conflict, it happens to everyone—if the verse can’t be edited without ruining what was wonderful about your idea, put it back up your sleeve in case we can use it later, or pocket it, take it home and make a haiku with it.


SELECTION OF VERSE 4


The first we’re going to go with is Margarita’s airplane. I have tweaked the prepositions a bit because Kala noted that the renku was collecting a lot of “of” phrases. Here’s how it sits with the entire renku so far:


house warming …

all the flavours of summer

on a dining table / Firdaus Parvez


a dozen ripened mangoes

from the neighbour next door / Kala Ramesh


the gleeful shouts

of street kids rolling

a bicycle tyre / Priti Aisola


an airplane through the clouds

in an indigo twilight / Margharita Petriccione



From street children playing and shouting as they roll a bicycle tyre, our gaze turns up to see an airplane moving in the clouds of the evening sky. Links to and transforms the mode of transportation in the daisan—wheels to wings. It also introduces both color, and time of day to the renku. It’s a beautiful verse image that re-opens for us to complete the image in our imagination: Unsaid is whether it’s a small craft whose engine noise may reach us in the ground, or a jetliner whose so high that it appears as a silent speck leading a contrail across the sky. Also unsaid is the kind of clouds, which leaves them a topic rather than a kigo. It is really a non-seasonal verse. In its flexibility, it also sets us up very well for the winter moon verse that comes next.


CALL FOR VERSE 5, WINTER MOON:


This will be a three-three, place (non-person) verse featuring the winter moon. Link to verse four, move away from the Daisan (verse 3).


the gleeful shouts

of street kids rolling

a bicycle tyre


an airplane through the clouds

in an indigo twilight



A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO WRITE A WINTER MOON VERSE:

Part of the fun of renku is being creative with kigo, including changing them to a different season as needed. A prime example is “moon.” By itself, without qualifiers or modifiers, “moon” is understood to be the autumn full moon. Autumn is when the full moon dominates the night skies, perfect for moon-viewing parties. I’ve also read (can’t remember where) that in renku, “moon” signifies the Buddha.


There will be an autumn moon in the Ha, the second side of our renku, but we also have in the penultimate verse of the first side there is always a “minor moon” verse, in another season. Following our template, this will be a winter moon.


What NOT to do:


Because “summer” was explicitly named as the season reference in the Hokku, we should not use the name of a season for the rest of the renku. This means that you cannot simply say “winter moon,” and it also means that every season reference “winter” as its qualifier is also out-of-bounds.

The verse must also be non-person, which eliminates kigo in the humanity and observances categories.


What you CAN do:


Qualify the moon by calling it a “cold moon,” “snow moon,” “icy moon,” etc. Some writers like to use the names given by Native American tribes to the monthly full moons (https://www.timeanddate.com/astronomy/moon/full-moon-names.html). If you have something similar where you live, this might work.

You could combine the moon with any of the other wonderful ideas in the seasons, heavens, earth, and animals categories of the winter saijiki.

Your moon does not have to be a full moon—you might also think about a half moon, quarter moon, sliver, waxing/waning moon, etc.

A pure nature verse might be nice at this point since we haven’t had one yet.

Read verses 3 and 4 again. What inspires you? Be creative!


SUMMARY: SPECIFICATIONS FOR VERSE 5, WINTER MOON


Three lines, non-person.

The moon is in a setting that moves this kigo to winter, without using the word “winter.”

14 to17 syllables in reasonable balance across three lines.


Each participant may offer two submissions, posted together in the same comment, with your name as you would like it to appear in the renku. Instructions for submitting remain as last time.


The deadline is 72 hours from now. We follow Indian Standard Time (IST). This POST will go up on 14 June at 6 A.M. So on 17 June at 6 A.M, the window closes (IST). All 5th verse offers must be posted on this thread BEFORE 6 A.M on 17 JUNE.


If you want to check the schema ... here is the link: https://www.trivenihaikai.in/post/renku-linked-collaborative-verses

................................... Join in the fun!! Thanks a lot, Linda for your time, effort and knowledge.

_()_


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95 Comments


Billie Dee
Billie Dee
Jun 16, 2022

I learn something every day from this renku forum. Many thanks to Linda and to all the poets here creating art in our lives.

the gleeful shouts of street kids rolling a bicycle tyre


an airplane through the clouds in an indigo twilight

__________


My offerings:


the snowy owl’s silent hunting flight lit by a chestnut moon

such deep blue in these moon-shadowed bison tracks pocking the snow


---Billie Dee


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Billie Dee
Billie Dee
Jun 16, 2022
Replying to

Yes, those were the days, huh? I have such fond memories of our Yuki Teikei community, especially you dear Linda. I still have some of the ATCs I traded for at that workshop---all little haiga. Donna Lynn made some wonderful ones, remember?

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So far, 12 writers submitted 24 offers for verse 5—or even more than that, if you consider rewrites. One participant observed that the renku was getting more difficult. I well remember feeling that way when I was still new to renku. We’ve slowed things down by leaving the submissions window open longer. I am pleased that people do say they’re learning a lot, so while we’re waiting, I thought I might recap the renku skills I see people learning and practicing:


1. Writing to a specified season or non-season—knowing the saijiki well enough that it becomes a familiar tool, and knowing how to change a kigo easily from one season to another, without overstuffing the verse or detracting from the…




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Kala Ramesh
Kala Ramesh
Jun 16, 2022
Replying to

Lovely, Linda. This s expansive. I'm sure this is going to help everyone here. _()_

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sushamakapur
sushamakapur
Jun 15, 2022

Greetings!

These are my two offers:


under a cold moon

the lotus hold on to light

before they fold


moonbeams

toss and turn in the echoes

of a november sea


Sushama Kapur


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sushamakapur
sushamakapur
Jun 16, 2022
Replying to

Oh oh! Did it again.

Thank you for taking the time out to explain this, Linda.

I'm learning a lot. :)


Will pocket it! _()_

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Arvinder Kaur
Arvinder Kaur
Jun 15, 2022

Congratulations Margherita ! Greetings to our Sabaki Linda for painstakingly explaining everything. Terrific poems and a very engaging exercise. Thanks Kala !


My offers for verse 5


snow laden pines

a coyote's howl

reaches the moon


silver on the branches

a last leaf curls up

to the cold moon


Arvinder Kaur


We can use ' snow' ' frost' etc, right ? I was a bit confused but presenting my offers all the same

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Billie Dee
Billie Dee
Jun 16, 2022
Replying to

You could easily fix the kireji problem in the first verse. It's such strong imagery and really deserves a second try:


through snowy pines a coyote's howl reaches beyond the moon


(trying to adjust line length and the desired long syllable count)

You're a fine writer.

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Priti Aisola
Priti Aisola
Jun 15, 2022

A doubt. Do we need to write with or without a cut?


under a cold moon

the rising column of fire

from a hill peak


Second one:


reaching out

to an icy moon

a hill levitates

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Priti Aisola
Priti Aisola
Jun 15, 2022
Replying to

Thank you for reconfirming, Linda!

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